A perfect marriage is to lie alone in the arms of a lover.

/September 2023

dictation: Zhao Chengzhiwen: Fu Yang

Winnicott, a British psychologist, once said:

A more perfect relationship is to be alone in the arms of a lover

. It means that you can not only love, but also enjoy loneliness and not control each other.

if you want to have such a healthy partnership, I think

first, you have the ability to establish an intimate relationship, so that you can stay in the arms of your lover; second, you are independent, have the ability to be alone, and are not afraid of separation, so that you can enjoy being alone.


Why can't some people establish an intimate relationship

in real life, there are many people who can't establish an intimate relationship with others.

for example, some young people like to have sex without talking about feelings and have sex as soon as they meet. Sex, in fact, is a very beautiful thing, which should happen naturally after falling in love to a certain extent. Sex is a way of expressing emotion and a sign of the intimacy of a sexual relationship.

however, for people who cannot establish close relationships, sex becomes a tool for building relationships and connections with members of the opposite sex. Because he can't communicate or connect with people, he has no choice but to have sex.

but a relationship built on sex is unsustainable, just like asking for a fish, so people who ask for sex keep looking for it, just like taking drugs, they are happy when they smoke it, and enter a state of emptiness and boredom as soon as it is over.

the ability of human beings to establish intimate relationships comes from the relationship between mother and child. Winnickett says feeding has never been as simple as breastfeeding. When a mother is good enough to breast-feed her baby, she will put her breast where the baby can find it, then face down slightly and put it in a position where the baby can see it, thinking about the baby and looking at him softly. Continue to pour love into the baby.

Love is when one person goes to another person's heart and one person is missed by another person.

when a baby is breast-feeding, he not only eats, but also looks up. In fact, he is looking for it. When he found the breast for the first time, he would think that the breast was created by me. He had an omnipotent illusion experience and felt omnipotent. This kind of experience is very important and is the basis of his self-confidence, boldness and ambition in the future. In terms of relationships, he will believe that he can create a lover.

the second search is to look for his mother's face and eyes. He wants to see himself in his mother's face and eyes. If the mother is comfortable, happy and relaxed when feeding, the baby will see that he is comfortable, soft and quiet. If the mother is sad, her eyes are depressed and confused, and her expression is stiff, the baby sees herself as depressed and uncomfortable. Babies who are infused with maternal love establish a safe attachment relationship with their mothers, and when they grow up, they will be confident, happy, sunny, willing to open their hearts and have the ability to build close relationships.

if the mother gives the baby milk, but does not give him love, then the child's psychology is likely to stagnate in the feeding instinct stage, when looking for a partner as long as the material, milk is the mother. A boy expressed his love to the girl and said, "I love you!" The girl said, "do you love me?" Then you shoot 100000 yuan here, and I'll believe you! " The boy was very hurt and felt that the girl loved money too much and didn't deserve his love at all.

however, if we put aside the moral judgment and seriously review the growth history of girls, we will find that this is a sad story. The girl's father cheated on her mother during her pregnancy. Although the mother insisted on breastfeeding her, hoping to give her the best nutrition, she was unable to give her love because she was depressed for a long time, so she seldom looked at her and hugged her. Her father would only express her feelings with money and gifts.

therefore, girls have no sense of love at all. She doesn't believe in love, she doesn't believe in people, she only believes in what she can see and stay, and has no ability to build an intimate relationship at all. What she pursues is a false life and relationship, but in fact she is a false person.

some mothers believe in the so-called scientific feeding, anxious to feed according to time, do not have the patience to wait for the baby to find their own breasts, and shove the nipples directly into the child's mouth. It doesn't matter once or twice, but if this action is repeated 1000 times, it will cause psychological harm to the baby.

some mothers try to save energy and like to lie on the bed and breast-feed sideways. Babies are often not held in the arms of their mothers and have no skin contact with their mothers. If the mother has a wound in her body, she can only take this breast-feeding position and need to pay attention to hugging, kissing and stroking her child at other times.

if the mother and father only let the child have enough to eat and drink, but do not hold the child, do not kiss the child, and do not meet the child's need for skin contact, it will be very difficult for the child to establish an intimate relationship when he grows up.

even if it is barely established, marriage can be a disaster.


A healthy intimate relationship requires two people to be independent

in Winnicott's view, a truly healthy partnership requires two people to be independent. Independence contains at least two layers of meaning,

first, complete the task of psychological development and achieve personality independence; second, have the ability to be alone, have peace of mind, and can stop and relax


people are faced with a process of growth and development as soon as they are born, and each stage has a development task, and the development task of each stage needs a good environment to support it. The representative of a good environment is the mother. Mothers should provide a promotional environment to adapt to and meet the psychological needs of their babies. After completing the development task of one stage, the child will enter the next stage of growth and mature step by step.

if the task of the previous stage is not completed, it will be left to the next stage, affecting the child's development.

the most common example in marriage is a giant baby, whose body is two.Thirty-year-old adults, but the psychology is still in the infancy stage.

Giant male babies cannot be husbands and fathers, and giant girls cannot be wives and mothers, because they still feel that they are little babies. Whenever they encounter problems, they run to their own homes and go home every day after work to find their own mothers.

this kind of marriage has only form, no content.

A weak country has no diplomacy, and if the husband and wife are not independent and cannot support the family, others will certainly interfere in their internal affairs. No matter mother-in-law or mother-in-law, when others intervene, the new family formed by the young couple will exist in name only. If the elderly not only help with the children and housework, but also give financial assistance, then the sovereignty of the new family will be lost.

only those who complete the task of psychological development can bear loneliness and enjoy solitude.

Human nature is lonely, facing the state of loneliness at birth, babies are very afraid of loneliness and instinctively desire to connect with people. So many mothers find that he is willing to breast-feed only if he picks up the baby. This is because his mother's embrace relieved his fear of loneliness and was able to calm down and his appetite appeared.

if there is no promotive environment in infancy and fails to establish a safe attachment relationship with the mother, such children will defend themselves against loneliness in various ways when they grow up, as shown in

desperately looking for something to do, and can't stop


in my marriage, I found a group of workaholics who are social elites earning millions a year and have high social or academic status, but they can't rest. When I am alone, I always feel irritable, can't sleep, have a headache, be stiff, overtired, and feel a waste of time; I can't be with my partner or my children. If life can not exist quietly, in fact, as a person, his spiritual life does not live out.

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another common defense against loneliness is nagging.

nagging, but you can't stop talking. A wife actually called her husband 500 times a day, causing her husband to break up and divorce. In fact, nagging people can not stand loneliness, afraid of separation, so desperately want to connect with their partner, but can not connect.

Taiwanese writer Lin Ching-hsien once wrote a book entitled "loneliness is a kind of freedom." If I have the ability to be alone, loneliness becomes a kind of freedom: I can stop at any time when I want to rest. My heart is relaxed and I enjoy the moment safely. I can be alone, examine my history, examine what I have done today, talk to me inside, and deal with my inner emotions.


Mental health, partnership can be healthy

people who can establish intimate relationships, have independent personality and have the ability to be alone are people with mental health. Each of us should have a sense of mental health.

now, people pay great attention to health and fitness, have a strong sense of physical health, have time to go to the gym, why not take some time to pay attention to their mental health? The animal is not physically sick, but it is only an animal. The place where people are superior to animals is at the psychological level.

for example,

when you want to find a partner, you can evaluate the mental health of yourself and the other person

. Ask yourself: do I have the ability to establish an intimate relationship with the opposite sex? How is my psychological bearing capacity? can I bear my lover to leave me? Can I be a male (female) friend?

when preparing to get married, ask yourself: am I an independent person? Am I willing to pay for this marriage? Can I assume the role of husband (wife)? When something goes wrong with your marriage, ask yourself: what is the state of my marriage? If it's so hard, why do I want to maintain this marriage?

if you fall in love several times without success, you'd better talk to a psychological counselor, which will be very helpful to understand yourself, to establish an intimate relationship in the future, and to make your mind healthier.

A caller asked me, "can my girlfriend marry me?" I said, "it is possible if you love each other and manage the relationship with your heart." He heaved a long sigh and worried seriously: "well, if she marries me, I'll have to give her 5 million of my 10 million house when I get divorced." If you always think so, you will not be psychologically healthy, at least psychologically mature enough to get married.

nowadays, people always like to talk about cheating, but psychologically unhealthy people can't put in love, can't stand separation, don't have the ability to establish intimate relationships, and can't find the track of marriage at all. If you are married in form, you are not married in your heart, and you have no "derailment". Why do you talk about "cheating"?

for married people, it is recommended to pay more attention to their psychological maturity and emotional maturity.

the difficulties in getting along with husband and wife and raising children actually come from the difficulties of psychological maturity on both sides. The difficulty of psychological maturity stems from some early parental rearing failures, but each of us has a second chance to mature.

you can find a Winnikot psychotherapist to restart the emotional maturation process, so that you can become more independent, understand yourself, your partner, and be more responsible, so that the marriage relationship will become better.

some people say that women are too greedy and demanding. I don't think so. That's because men are not psychologically mature enough to give a woman what she really wants, so she can only ask for a bag, a house and a car. If men can understand and meet the psychological and emotional needs of women, the mode of getting along with husband and wife will be completely different.

psychologically healthy people have the power to act, will automatically do a lot of things, will adjust their emotions, take the initiative to communicate with their partners, are willing to invest and undertake, can withstand loneliness and anxiety, and have hope and confidence in the future.

therefore, for people who are psychologically healthy, their marital relationship will not have a big problem. And if the marriage is good, the children will be blessed. Only with the mental health of our children can our country and nation have a future.

object of this interview:

Zhao Chengzhi

Chief physician of Beijing Huilongguan Hospital, Vice President of International Winnicott Association (IWA), psychoanalyst candidate (IPA,IWA) trainer, Supervisor, registered system Counselor, member of Psychiatry Branch of Chinese Medical Association, member of Chinese Mental Health Association, member of injury Prevention and Control Branch of Chinese Preventive Medicine Association, member of suicide intervention Group of injury Prevention and Control Branch of Chinese Preventive Medicine Association Member of Chinese Physicians Association.

this article is extracted from the February 2020 issue of Marriage and Family

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